Ugliest NBA Players

There are truly some ugly dudes that step onto the hardwood at NBA games. I have compiled of list of the players that are the best of the ugly. To narrow down the field a bit, only current players (2009-10 season) will be considered. Sorry but there will be no Sam Cassell, no Bill Walton and definitely no Gheorghe Muresan.

Here is the breakdown of my All-NBA (Naturally Born Ass-Ugly) First Team.

Point Guard: Steve Nash

Not only is Nash the best point guard in the NBA right now (averaging 18.9 points and 11.3 assists), he, more than anyone else in the league, resembles a woman. It's not even the long hair that does it for him. He just straight up looks like a chick. The soft skin, the narrow cheeks, the supple lips... whoa I almost got lost in his eyes. Nevertheless, the dude can ball.


Shooting Guard: Delonte West

West can hang with the best of them. He's got the Will Smith ears ("He looks like a car coming down the road with both doors open!"), he's got the neck tattoo, and when he has his head shaved he looks like a hairless cat. West maybe one ugly mug, but he is one of the most badass guys in the league. He might be small for a shooting guard but do not get in his way on the break, Josh Smith.

Small Forward: Tayshaun Prince

Tayshaun Prince aka The Compton Kid's skinniness makes the girls on America's Next Top Model want to throw up the saltine cracker they just ate. He's got the wingspan of a pterodactyl but the definition of a prepubescent girl. His resemblance to Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas is uncanny. Don't let the emaciation fool you though, he goes hard. In the words of Rasheed Wallace, "Dude's got mad heart". You can see it beating through his rib cage.

Power Forward: Pau Gasol

Gasol is the definition of a rat. Some guys can pull off the beard, but Gasol's is patchier than the facial salad on a hermaphrodite hyped up on steroids. In my opinion, he is the best power forward in the league but only because his defenders become physically ill by just looking at him. I'm also going to give Gasol the award of be the smelliest player in the league. I have no proof of this, but he just looks it. Plus, he's from Barcelona which is just a little too close to France for my liking.

Center: Jermaine O'Neal

There is an overabundance of ugly players at the center position. This was a tough decision, but I went with Jermaine O'Neal because of the size of his forehead. Holy shit! He could wear at least 6 head bands at any one time. When he wears one head band he still has more forehead showing than anyone else in the league. His well endowed head can only be matched by Emeka Okafor.

Sixth Man:Adam Morrison
Although he does not get much of a chance to play for the Defending World Champion Los Angeles Lakers, he makes up for it with is unholy ratiness to garner the Sixth Man award. His awkward mustache is the single most glorious thing in the league. Since his joining the Lakers he has cleaned up his ridiculously long hair, Phil would put up with the shit, but he will forever have that 1970's porn 'stache.

Dishonorable Mention: Greg Oden

Oden was well on his way to making the First Team this year, but yet again he had a season ending injury. His upside potential is through the roof. The wrinkled forehead and huge lips make him look exactly like a Shar Pei. His ability too look 50 years his elder is an unbelievable talent that may never be matched.



Coach: George Karl

Karl is your typical hardworking coach. By no means is he flashy like Avery Johnson, he just gets the job done. Old, fat and bald. You can never go wrong with the fundamentals.

3 Ideas Stolen From Me (Which Would Have Ensured My Fame)

I don't claim to be the first person to have done these things or thought of these inventions, but I sure as hell thought of them before these dirty butt plugs cashed them in for gold.

1. A Classic Catchphrase

Back in high school I used to often refer to funny occurrences as "classic". And it was hilarious. It was fucking hilarious. I make a small quip about my Russian teacher being communist, "Classic Gordon!", my calculus teacher tries to use trig substitution instead of partial fractions, "Classic Mistake!". God damnit I could get the laughs.

Time goes by and you know what happens? Those Warner Brothers (more like Wiener Brothers, am I right?) come out with a cheap knock off of Dude Where's My Car? called The Hangover.

Cinematic Gold

Now my legendary phase has been stolen from me by some fat asshole. Zach Galifianakas uses my comedic genius so classically it's ironic. I can no longer use my own catchphrase without people assuming I'm quoting from an overrated and under-criticized movie. The only good part about Galifianakis stealing my line is that he is one funny mother fucker. Have you ever seen Between Two Ferns? Awesome, just... awesome. Watch all of them right now. Anyway, can you really hate a man with a beard like that?

Answer: No, you can't.

2. The Anti-Sweater

For awhile I kept a journal in which I detailed and drew many ideas for inventions that would one day make me rich. Probably the best idea I ever had was the Anti-Sweater, the sweater you can wear when it's hot outside. You wore it just like a normal sweater. In fact it was just a normal sweater, but with one amazing addition: Cooling Tubes. Basically a cooler would be filled up with ice water and tubes would run from the cooler and up into the back of the sweater. A pump would be used to pump icy cool water through the tubes and Bam! instant relief from the unrelenting sun. No more skin cancer by walking around with no shirt on, no more cold showers in the afternoon and no more sweating and stinking the place up like a dirty Kiwi.

Disgusting

But wouldn't you know, researchers at the University of Florida have been experimenting with body temperature in football players by sending air cooled by ice water through small channels and tubes in their pads. Holy shit! OK maybe they're using chilled air instead of water and maybe it's football pads instead of a sweater but damnit that is my shit right there. People made fun of my glorious invention at first. I told people I was going to make it anyway. I never made it. Even Tom Smykowski made a damn prototype for his Jump to Conclusions Mat. I'm more of a loser than Smykowski.

The Next Pet Rock

Too much time passed and word must have gotten around. How these fucks in Florida got their hands on my idea I will never know, but I have been missing my journal for 4 years now.

3. Sandwich Shots

I literally had a dream about this idea. In the middle of the night I woke up in a cold sweat (if only I had been wearing an Anti-Sweater) with an amazing idea. I quickly grabbed my inventions journal from my nightstand and began to draw. What I drew was glorious in every way. The Sandwich Shot. This was the next great step in finger foods. It was going to change the way people thought about snacking. Depending on what type of bread and meat you get, a sandwich can be too small and you're still hungry when you're done with it, or too big and you waste half of it. Oftentimes the meat and cheese don't want to stay right where they're supposed to be, between the fucking bread.

Poor Bastard

That's where the Sandwich Shots come in. A miniature sandwich that fits perfectly into a shot glass. You don't have to worry about your sandwich staying in one piece, the glass does that for you. Not enough sandwich? Just keep fucking eating them until you're full. The perfect mid-day meal.

And then who strolls along like some kind of idea stealing dick, the King himself.

BK Burger Shots

The worst part about it is, he's fucking selling it paired up with Twilight merchandise. What a sell-out. I would never allow some sparkly emo vampire be the face of my Sandwich Shots. So maybe putting the sandwiches into a shot glass is unnecessary and probably structurally implausible, but I would have arrived at that conclusion eventually. Burger King ended up just beating me to it. If only I could have proposed this idea sooner, there is no doubt in my mind that I would be sitting atop my own Scrooge McDuck-esque pile of jewels, gold and cash.

The Bucket List

Apparently I've started writing down everything I ponder. So here is the "Bucket List" that I wrote the other night with my roommate.

Some are serious, others get somewhat ridiculous. At one point there is a nice little juxtaposition between life and death (kill a man and have child). I regret writing some of these (have child) but most of these are pretty damn awesome. I could probably kill multiple birds (and if were to kill a bird I'll make sure it's endangered) with one stone. First I'm going to drop the anal hammer on a milf, on tape, whilst skydiving. Boom! Four down. Next I might make a flight to outer space on the Virgin Galactic Spaceship

The VSS Orgy

and end up Wobbly H'ing Ivana Trump with Michael Jordan (Ivana and MJ happen to be on the flight, and this might not be the threesome I always imagined but I'm going to count it anyway). Three more right there. It'll be too easy to finish these.

I'm sure this is not everything that would be on my list, but it's what we came up with. Anyway, what is your bucket list?