LeBron not going to be in the Dunk Contest- Reason: Shannon Brown

Remember last year during the Dunk Contest when LeBron said he was "tossing his hat in" for next year? The guy can't go more than an hour without wanting all the attention on him. He just said that bullshit about doing the Dunk Contest because he wants to be the center of attention. But as soon as it comes to actually doing it, he pusses out. What a fucking surprise. And do you know why he pussed out? SHANNON BROWN of the Defending World Champion Los Angeles Lakers. The man can sky. I'm calling it right now.

SHANNON BROWN WILL WIN THE 2010 SPRITE SLAM DUNK CONTEST

He's not real tall (6'4), which will help him against Lollipop Guild member Nate Robinson, and has a 44.5" vertical aka he could potentially have sex with a woman midair during the Dunk Contest. If you don't believe me when I say Brown would 360 on your mom without thinking twice, just watch these videos.





This one's a block, but holy shit. "Athletic as can be".

David "Chubbs" Stillman: Overrated

Rivals- With the game already decided, Gunn called a timeout and put [Chubbs] Stillman back into the game. "When Coach Gunn called timeout to get Chubbs back into the game, I asked the kids, 'How do we want this to end?' " opposing coach Chris Wilkenson said. "Chubbs had already scored, but they didn't care. "They said, 'Coach we want him to hit another shot.' It shows that these kids have real character." And hit another shot he did. Stillman, with a flair for the dramatic, hit a buzzer-beating 3-pointer to close the game.

We've all seen the story before. Special needs student and team manager gets put into the game for the first time ever because it is his senior year and his last game. But what really pisses me off about this specific story is the kids on the other team. They just let him score. How the hell does that help this kid? I say block the shit out of him. NO EASY BUCKETS. What life lesson are you teaching this kid? He can do whatever he wants just because he has special needs? Hell no. Send that shot back right into his face. Make him earn it.

People like Chubbs make real performers like Jason McElwain look bad. J-Mac is the real deal.



J-Mac misses is first shot about as bad as David Wesley. But does he give up? He goes on to hit six threes. Every single one of them right in a defender's eye (maybe #32 was a special needs player for the other team?). In the words of J-Mac himself, "I was on fire. I was hotter than a pistol". I hope you let those words sink in Chubbs.

Ugliest NBA Players

There are truly some ugly dudes that step onto the hardwood at NBA games. I have compiled of list of the players that are the best of the ugly. To narrow down the field a bit, only current players (2009-10 season) will be considered. Sorry but there will be no Sam Cassell, no Bill Walton and definitely no Gheorghe Muresan.

Here is the breakdown of my All-NBA (Naturally Born Ass-Ugly) First Team.

Point Guard: Steve Nash

Not only is Nash the best point guard in the NBA right now (averaging 18.9 points and 11.3 assists), he, more than anyone else in the league, resembles a woman. It's not even the long hair that does it for him. He just straight up looks like a chick. The soft skin, the narrow cheeks, the supple lips... whoa I almost got lost in his eyes. Nevertheless, the dude can ball.


Shooting Guard: Delonte West

West can hang with the best of them. He's got the Will Smith ears ("He looks like a car coming down the road with both doors open!"), he's got the neck tattoo, and when he has his head shaved he looks like a hairless cat. West maybe one ugly mug, but he is one of the most badass guys in the league. He might be small for a shooting guard but do not get in his way on the break, Josh Smith.

Small Forward: Tayshaun Prince

Tayshaun Prince aka The Compton Kid's skinniness makes the girls on America's Next Top Model want to throw up the saltine cracker they just ate. He's got the wingspan of a pterodactyl but the definition of a prepubescent girl. His resemblance to Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas is uncanny. Don't let the emaciation fool you though, he goes hard. In the words of Rasheed Wallace, "Dude's got mad heart". You can see it beating through his rib cage.

Power Forward: Pau Gasol

Gasol is the definition of a rat. Some guys can pull off the beard, but Gasol's is patchier than the facial salad on a hermaphrodite hyped up on steroids. In my opinion, he is the best power forward in the league but only because his defenders become physically ill by just looking at him. I'm also going to give Gasol the award of be the smelliest player in the league. I have no proof of this, but he just looks it. Plus, he's from Barcelona which is just a little too close to France for my liking.

Center: Jermaine O'Neal

There is an overabundance of ugly players at the center position. This was a tough decision, but I went with Jermaine O'Neal because of the size of his forehead. Holy shit! He could wear at least 6 head bands at any one time. When he wears one head band he still has more forehead showing than anyone else in the league. His well endowed head can only be matched by Emeka Okafor.

Sixth Man:Adam Morrison
Although he does not get much of a chance to play for the Defending World Champion Los Angeles Lakers, he makes up for it with is unholy ratiness to garner the Sixth Man award. His awkward mustache is the single most glorious thing in the league. Since his joining the Lakers he has cleaned up his ridiculously long hair, Phil would put up with the shit, but he will forever have that 1970's porn 'stache.

Dishonorable Mention: Greg Oden

Oden was well on his way to making the First Team this year, but yet again he had a season ending injury. His upside potential is through the roof. The wrinkled forehead and huge lips make him look exactly like a Shar Pei. His ability too look 50 years his elder is an unbelievable talent that may never be matched.



Coach: George Karl

Karl is your typical hardworking coach. By no means is he flashy like Avery Johnson, he just gets the job done. Old, fat and bald. You can never go wrong with the fundamentals.