Say It Ain't So

The past weekend has been filled with highs and lows. Nothing could compare to the blow I (and surely many others, too) received on Friday night. It was just a typical Friday night in the sense of get dressed, go get some JOOSE, and go get fucked up. Except that of that didn't happen. After visiting four different liquor stores, it was discovered that JOOSE is now illegal to sell in Colorado (and 13 other states). I suspect that gang related homicides will at least triple once the news trickles into our inner city brethren and the rioting begins.

If you have not had the luxury of enjoying "nature's gift to the ghetto", you haven't lived yet. The heart stopping combination of caffeine (a stimulant) and alcohol (a depressant) leave you walking the fine line between euphoria and death. With the flavor of an energy drink and no detectable alcohol taste, one 23.5 ounce can of Joose is equivalent to 3-4 beers and 8 strong cups of coffee. Two of these and you're guaranteed to have a wonderful night and an even more regrettable morning. You don't have to take my word for it though. A quick internet search revealed some insightful commentary about what is largely considered the best malt liquor on the market.

"My friend used to drink 4 a day for six months straight. He doesn't remember those six months, at all."


"Fuck thinking about a hang over worry about your heart blowing up"


"I remember one of my friends shotgunned one once; that kid could hold his alcohol."
(Possibly one of the most impressive drinking accomplishments of our generation)

Fear not though, as there still is a way to find yourself knocking back JOOSE. A 12 pack will run you $38 online ($15 bullshit shipping fee included). Party on!

Trinity Squash Does Not Fuck Around

23-0 on the season en route to their 12th straight national title. Even more impressive, one little Asian man had his dreams and hopes crushed, pissed on and left in a gutter. From what I've read, Kenneth Chan (Yale whipping boy) was talking shit throughout the whole match. Don't be running your mouth to the 6'5 senior co-captain of an 11 straight NC team and expect to come out on top. That was all the motivation my man Baset Chaudhry needed. Chan is lucky he even walked off that court alive. Baset should be given a medal for not shitting directly into Chan's mouth after the match. U.S.A! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Crazy Ginger Kid Losing Ferocity

The crazy ginger kid has started updating again. His fourth video is out and he still has his ginger spunk.
 
He's still amazingly pissed at people making fun of him. He will not stand for mean Youtubers! He's trying to make a difference, ok? I could really see this kid going down in history as the ginger Martin Luther King Jr. (GMLKJ). You can tell by the way that he lunges toward the camera and screams certain words that he really cares.

Wow. It's obvious now that all his "haters" are really getting to him. Before, it was the World against him and he didn't give a shit. Now he's looking for some supporters. He's losing that old ginger nastiness he had before. He knows what he's capable of, he even starts comparing himself to MLKJ (needs to work on his quoting skills though. Dude that's a pretty famous speech, get it right). It just seems that all the hatred is really starting to get to him. Keep up the fight fat ginger kid. Like all great leaders, we hope you get assassinated on day.

Dodgers Finally Make Some Kind of Move

 

Yahoo Sports- Former NL Cy Young Award winner Eric Gagne has agreed to a minor league contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers, a person familiar with the negotiations told The Associated Press. Gagne would receive a $500,000, one-year contract if added to the 40-man roster, the person said Friday, speaking on condition of anonymity because the deal had not been announced. Gagne could earn an additional $500,000 in performance bonuses.

Probably my favorite Dodgers pitcher of all time is back where he belongs. Eric Gagne was the most dominant pitcher in baseball from 2002-4. Unfortunately he got on the 'roids, threw his arm out and now he sucks the D. But don't think for a moment that I don't just love this move. Maybe being back in LA with revive his arm for another season or two. God damnit I just want to see a little more of that Gagne magic. Just two more 98 mph fastballs followed by that 65 mph circle change to sit 'em down. Still gives me the chills.

P.S. Pitchers and catchers reported yesterday. Baseball season is officially upon us.