Say It Ain't So

The past weekend has been filled with highs and lows. Nothing could compare to the blow I (and surely many others, too) received on Friday night. It was just a typical Friday night in the sense of get dressed, go get some JOOSE, and go get fucked up. Except that of that didn't happen. After visiting four different liquor stores, it was discovered that JOOSE is now illegal to sell in Colorado (and 13 other states). I suspect that gang related homicides will at least triple once the news trickles into our inner city brethren and the rioting begins.

If you have not had the luxury of enjoying "nature's gift to the ghetto", you haven't lived yet. The heart stopping combination of caffeine (a stimulant) and alcohol (a depressant) leave you walking the fine line between euphoria and death. With the flavor of an energy drink and no detectable alcohol taste, one 23.5 ounce can of Joose is equivalent to 3-4 beers and 8 strong cups of coffee. Two of these and you're guaranteed to have a wonderful night and an even more regrettable morning. You don't have to take my word for it though. A quick internet search revealed some insightful commentary about what is largely considered the best malt liquor on the market.

"My friend used to drink 4 a day for six months straight. He doesn't remember those six months, at all."


"Fuck thinking about a hang over worry about your heart blowing up"


"I remember one of my friends shotgunned one once; that kid could hold his alcohol."
(Possibly one of the most impressive drinking accomplishments of our generation)

Fear not though, as there still is a way to find yourself knocking back JOOSE. A 12 pack will run you $38 online ($15 bullshit shipping fee included). Party on!