Fat Ginger Kid's Decent Into Madness

If you haven't already seen the video starring the Fat Ginger Kid petitioning for ginger rights, watch it now. Here it is. "Gingers have souls!!!"



The way a he looks at me with his beaty black eyes makes me think he is trying to suck out my soul through the internet. This ginger fuck really creeps the shit out of me. I really assumed that this would be a one time thing. Maybe this kid just got really high, made a ridiculous video and then realized how retarded he was. Apparently not. He has started uploading more ginger rights videos.



It becomes apparent just from the first few seconds of the video that this kid has been watching a lot of Jersey Shore. "You know what bro?" Maybe he wishes he were tan like the guys on the show. Maybe he's just putting on a front with these videos. Deep down he doesn't want to be pasty white. Or maybe he's just insane.



Yeah, he's definitely insane. It's obvious now that this kid is losing his mind. He's already starting to cry over youtube comments. It's really only a matter of time before this kid goes on a murder-suicide rampage. I'll put money down right now that says in his next video the Fat Ginger is holding a dead cat and has blood dripping from his freckled lips.

I'll continue to update on his decent into madness.

Favorite New Blog

You're going to want to check out this new blog a recently found called Nic Cage as Everyone. It's just pictures of different people with Nicholas Cage's face photoshopped on. It may not seem that funny at first, but holy shit I just can't stop looking at them. Right now there are well over 500 photos and each one of them is hilarious.

Here are a few of my favorites

Nic Cage as Pee Wee

Nic Cage as Snooki

Nic Cage as Heidi Montag

Are some of these disturbing? Yes. But I just can't stop.

"The Two Gentlemen of Lebowski"

It's so early into 2010 and I've already found the best thing that's going to be on the internet this year. One man, nay genius Adam Bertocci, has rewritten the entire transcript of the Coen Brother's cult classic The Big Lebowski in the form of a Shakepearean play. After just skimming over some of the more famous scenes, it's clear this guy knows whats up. Please just take a look at his play. The Two Gentlemen of Lebowski starring Geoffrey "The Knave" Lebowski. Yes, just yes.

Here are a couple of my favorite scenes.

The Dude first meets Bunny

THE KNAVE

Lady Lebowski? Then thou art Bonnie? A merry wife indeed!

BONNIE

And a lady of good housekeeping and agriculture besides, minded to economy and all practicalities. Were thou to bring a gentle cock to my bed-chamber, I might help him to success for ten shillings.

THE KNAVE

Such a lady of talents I have scarcely seen.

BRANDT

Yes, a most forthright jest! Free of spirit and good generosity, she is the nimble nymph of Neptune, and we mark her with good humour.

BONNIE

Free of spirit but ne’er free for flesh. Were I to regale thee with parts of my humour, I would not bid Brandt hear the play ere he paid a shilling himself.

Nobody Fucks with the Jesus

QUINCE
Hail, masters! I crave thine able readiness
To be dealt with roughly, as the Sodomites.
For men of sport have noted that our play
In semifinal hour draws on apace.
By Jove! I’ll wager well, Liam and me,
To thrash thee soundly at the fair tourney.

THE KNAVE
Yea, well, that be, forsooth, thy opinion, sir.

QUINCE
Well; but be forewarn’d. It reach’d mine ears
That combustible Walter, o’ercome with rage
Did shed good sense, and raise his sword in play.
I fear not such jade’s tricks, an seeing ill,
Would snatch the burden from the jealous knight
And pierce his gizzard with the wrongful steel,
Points up, as said of Coriolanus.

THE KNAVE
Zounds!

QUINCE
Thou speakest rightly, sir. No man misdeals with Joshua Quince, by Jesu. 

It's only a matter of time before there is a production of th... OH MY GOD!

If for some reason you have never seen this movie, move out of your cave and watch it now you sick fuck.

LeBron not going to be in the Dunk Contest- Reason: Shannon Brown

Remember last year during the Dunk Contest when LeBron said he was "tossing his hat in" for next year? The guy can't go more than an hour without wanting all the attention on him. He just said that bullshit about doing the Dunk Contest because he wants to be the center of attention. But as soon as it comes to actually doing it, he pusses out. What a fucking surprise. And do you know why he pussed out? SHANNON BROWN of the Defending World Champion Los Angeles Lakers. The man can sky. I'm calling it right now.

SHANNON BROWN WILL WIN THE 2010 SPRITE SLAM DUNK CONTEST

He's not real tall (6'4), which will help him against Lollipop Guild member Nate Robinson, and has a 44.5" vertical aka he could potentially have sex with a woman midair during the Dunk Contest. If you don't believe me when I say Brown would 360 on your mom without thinking twice, just watch these videos.





This one's a block, but holy shit. "Athletic as can be".

I Can Finally Sleep at Night

I can't say I'm too upset. Click on image to read the whole thing cuz of the shitty layout options.

Robber Breaks in and Steals Man's Dignity

The title alone says it. One minute you're wackin off alone, the next minute video's of said wackin off are on the internet and your dog is dead. Doesn't get much worse than that. Like if you're the guy caught wackin off do you even report this to the police? Do you tell your friends?

What ever happened to a good ol' fashioned robbery? This robber added insult to injury by feeding the dog mushrooms before he left. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine a scenario where feeding a dog 'some mushrooms' would reward someone.

LT Style, Electric Glide *hangs head in shame*

Not another one. Really? Really LT? Have you not learned anything from history? Whether it be the Superbowl Shuffle, Muhammad Ali's rap career, the 1987 Lakers Anti-Drug spot (why Rambo? WHY?), or the 1986 Dodgers performing the Baseball Boogie (hip thrusting starts at about 1:28), it's just never a good idea for athletes to step in front of a microphone.

LT, please take off your all white suit, go put your helmet back on and "wave to your mama" right after to run over Bart Scott on your way to the endzone this weekend. Chargers 24-14 over the Jets.

Surprise Surprise, McGwire Comes Out (About Steroids)

New York Times- Mark McGwire, whose inflated statistics and refusal to address his past came to symbolize a synthetic era in baseball history, acknowledged on Monday that he used steroids through the 1990s.

McGwire has been out of baseball since retiring after the 2001 season, making few public appearances besides his infamous performance before Congress in 2005, when he dodged questions about steroid use. He starts next month as the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, and said he needed to make the admission to move forward.

“It’s something I’m certainly not proud of,” he said in an interview with The New York Times. “I’m certainly sorry for having done it. Some day, somehow, somewhere I knew I’d probably have to talk about this. I guess the steppingstone was being offered the hitting coach job with the Cardinals. At that time I said, ‘I need to come clean about this.’”

Another years goes by and again Mark McGwire fails to get nod from even 25% of Hall of Fame voters. SO what does he decide to do? He pulls a Pete Rose. Admits his wrongs in an effort to one day be voted into the Hall. I'm sure it's relieving for you to finally tell the truth, to confirm what everybody had already assumed to be true and to make Jose Canseco look better, but that's all it's going to do for you.

McGwire represents everything about 1990's and 2000's baseball. He represents an era that was so consumed in the pursuit of individual records that they forgot what the game of baseball really meant. In 1998, McGwire and Sammy Sosa (another steroid user) captured the attention of the nation in their pursuit of the single season home run record, juiced out of their minds. Barry Bonds ended up breaking that record and then set on a pursuit to take down Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron, and he did it all with a head twice the size (physically speaking) of when he entered the league in 1986. Roger Clemens used anabolic steroids to help propel him to 354 wins and nearly 4700 strikeouts. Countless other players took performance enhancing drugs because they were selfish and forgot why the game of baseball is played.

Baseball is a team sport, but it also gives players the opportunity to showcase their individual talents. Aaron's 755, Roger Maris' 61, Cy Young's 511, Joe DiMaggio's 56 and Nolan Ryan's 5714 are just some of the records that are immortal to the game. They signify great feats of human strength, endurance and, most importantly, hard work. Players like McGwire not only cheated themselves when they decided to use PED's but they cheated the fans and the entire game of baseball.

So when McGwire says, "[I] agreed to not talk about the past. And it was not enjoyable to do that", it just pisses me off. Cry me a fucking river. You lost respect for the game and as such, I have no respect for you.

No Truer Words Spoken

This is one of my new favorite websites.

Introducing the Starting Middle Linebacker for the Denver Broncos

I’m not really sure how I feel about this video. Do I feel bad for the Kid Rock wannabe or do I applaud the guy who wrecked his world? I mean this wasn’t your usual prank gone wrong. One minute you're about to be a comic genius and the next minute you're laying on the ground with a broken neck. Anyhow, the only people that should not wear pants are Victoria's Secret models and beach volleyball players. That’s it. Seriously dude put some real pants on. The Germans have been doin this shit for years and it still disgusts me. I guess I'm glad that that guy finally had some sense knocked into him.

P.S. - Josh McDaniels, if you're out there, put the ego aside and offer a 5 year contract with $20+ million guaranteed. This guy is that good. Film don't lie.

Say it ain't so, Pete

Wall Street Journal- USC coach Pete Carroll is close to a deal to coach the Seattle Seahawks, according to people familiar with the matter. The Seahawks fired coach Jim Mora Friday after one season. A USC athletic-department spokesman would not confirm or deny the reports. "Pete's name comes out at this time every year," the spokesman said. Mr. Carroll's agent and a Seahawks spokesperson did not immediately return requests for comment. Mr. Carroll's departure would end one of the most successful, fun-loving, free-wheeling coaching stints in recent college history.

As a USC fan I'm very disappointed to see Carroll wanting to leave. I knew he would leave for the NFL again (33-31 all time as a head coach) at some some point, but not right after such a dog shit season. Come on Pete, at least get USC back on top again before you go. We're coming of a 9-4 season and 5-4 in the Pac-10 to finish 5th. Any big time recruits we may have coming in this season will be lost to the SEC as soon as you leave. You owe it the the Trojan faithful to stay at least another year.

If Carroll stays long enough he may even be given the head coaching job for the new LA franchise.

Reports say that LA is after their own franchise. They are pursuing mainly the Bills and Jaguars, but if I had my way I would rename the team the Hollywood Playboys because 1. that would be badass and 2. those would be some smokin cheerleaders. Just stay a while longer Pete. Its going to be worth it. Plus I don't think coaching techniques that involve homoerotic tendencies go over real well in the NFL.

Seattle is a little fruity though.

AND1 Fishing Circuit

Jesus! I had to watch that video three times just to make sure I wasn't imagining things. I wouldn't be surprised if that guy pulled off a 360 between the legs. On another note, I realize that the economy is in the shitter but I'm sure that a fishing line and bait is cheaper than the insurance policy for this jackass. Steve Irwin would be shitting in his grave if he saw this video.
These guys better keep a low profile. If they keep this up, the Sea Shepherds and their captain Paul Watson will probably show up and *insert something retarded and ineffective here*.

P.S. - Has anyone ever met one of the Sea Shepherds? I would have to be on schedule 1 drugs to not knock one of them the fuck out. Like I have never seen a group of people who feel vindicated by such stupid shit. They celebrate like they won WWII every time they land one of those acid bags on the Maru.

David "Chubbs" Stillman: Overrated

Rivals- With the game already decided, Gunn called a timeout and put [Chubbs] Stillman back into the game. "When Coach Gunn called timeout to get Chubbs back into the game, I asked the kids, 'How do we want this to end?' " opposing coach Chris Wilkenson said. "Chubbs had already scored, but they didn't care. "They said, 'Coach we want him to hit another shot.' It shows that these kids have real character." And hit another shot he did. Stillman, with a flair for the dramatic, hit a buzzer-beating 3-pointer to close the game.

We've all seen the story before. Special needs student and team manager gets put into the game for the first time ever because it is his senior year and his last game. But what really pisses me off about this specific story is the kids on the other team. They just let him score. How the hell does that help this kid? I say block the shit out of him. NO EASY BUCKETS. What life lesson are you teaching this kid? He can do whatever he wants just because he has special needs? Hell no. Send that shot back right into his face. Make him earn it.

People like Chubbs make real performers like Jason McElwain look bad. J-Mac is the real deal.



J-Mac misses is first shot about as bad as David Wesley. But does he give up? He goes on to hit six threes. Every single one of them right in a defender's eye (maybe #32 was a special needs player for the other team?). In the words of J-Mac himself, "I was on fire. I was hotter than a pistol". I hope you let those words sink in Chubbs.

Ugliest NBA Players

There are truly some ugly dudes that step onto the hardwood at NBA games. I have compiled of list of the players that are the best of the ugly. To narrow down the field a bit, only current players (2009-10 season) will be considered. Sorry but there will be no Sam Cassell, no Bill Walton and definitely no Gheorghe Muresan.

Here is the breakdown of my All-NBA (Naturally Born Ass-Ugly) First Team.

Point Guard: Steve Nash

Not only is Nash the best point guard in the NBA right now (averaging 18.9 points and 11.3 assists), he, more than anyone else in the league, resembles a woman. It's not even the long hair that does it for him. He just straight up looks like a chick. The soft skin, the narrow cheeks, the supple lips... whoa I almost got lost in his eyes. Nevertheless, the dude can ball.


Shooting Guard: Delonte West

West can hang with the best of them. He's got the Will Smith ears ("He looks like a car coming down the road with both doors open!"), he's got the neck tattoo, and when he has his head shaved he looks like a hairless cat. West maybe one ugly mug, but he is one of the most badass guys in the league. He might be small for a shooting guard but do not get in his way on the break, Josh Smith.

Small Forward: Tayshaun Prince

Tayshaun Prince aka The Compton Kid's skinniness makes the girls on America's Next Top Model want to throw up the saltine cracker they just ate. He's got the wingspan of a pterodactyl but the definition of a prepubescent girl. His resemblance to Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas is uncanny. Don't let the emaciation fool you though, he goes hard. In the words of Rasheed Wallace, "Dude's got mad heart". You can see it beating through his rib cage.

Power Forward: Pau Gasol

Gasol is the definition of a rat. Some guys can pull off the beard, but Gasol's is patchier than the facial salad on a hermaphrodite hyped up on steroids. In my opinion, he is the best power forward in the league but only because his defenders become physically ill by just looking at him. I'm also going to give Gasol the award of be the smelliest player in the league. I have no proof of this, but he just looks it. Plus, he's from Barcelona which is just a little too close to France for my liking.

Center: Jermaine O'Neal

There is an overabundance of ugly players at the center position. This was a tough decision, but I went with Jermaine O'Neal because of the size of his forehead. Holy shit! He could wear at least 6 head bands at any one time. When he wears one head band he still has more forehead showing than anyone else in the league. His well endowed head can only be matched by Emeka Okafor.

Sixth Man:Adam Morrison
Although he does not get much of a chance to play for the Defending World Champion Los Angeles Lakers, he makes up for it with is unholy ratiness to garner the Sixth Man award. His awkward mustache is the single most glorious thing in the league. Since his joining the Lakers he has cleaned up his ridiculously long hair, Phil would put up with the shit, but he will forever have that 1970's porn 'stache.

Dishonorable Mention: Greg Oden

Oden was well on his way to making the First Team this year, but yet again he had a season ending injury. His upside potential is through the roof. The wrinkled forehead and huge lips make him look exactly like a Shar Pei. His ability too look 50 years his elder is an unbelievable talent that may never be matched.



Coach: George Karl

Karl is your typical hardworking coach. By no means is he flashy like Avery Johnson, he just gets the job done. Old, fat and bald. You can never go wrong with the fundamentals.

Ice Bath Haiku

We have been taking ice baths after practice lately, so I decided to write my feelings about them in the form of a haiku.

Bath of frigidness
Toes breathe through the ice, relief
Testes migrate north.

3 Ideas Stolen From Me (Which Would Have Ensured My Fame)

I don't claim to be the first person to have done these things or thought of these inventions, but I sure as hell thought of them before these dirty butt plugs cashed them in for gold.

1. A Classic Catchphrase

Back in high school I used to often refer to funny occurrences as "classic". And it was hilarious. It was fucking hilarious. I make a small quip about my Russian teacher being communist, "Classic Gordon!", my calculus teacher tries to use trig substitution instead of partial fractions, "Classic Mistake!". God damnit I could get the laughs.

Time goes by and you know what happens? Those Warner Brothers (more like Wiener Brothers, am I right?) come out with a cheap knock off of Dude Where's My Car? called The Hangover.

Cinematic Gold

Now my legendary phase has been stolen from me by some fat asshole. Zach Galifianakas uses my comedic genius so classically it's ironic. I can no longer use my own catchphrase without people assuming I'm quoting from an overrated and under-criticized movie. The only good part about Galifianakis stealing my line is that he is one funny mother fucker. Have you ever seen Between Two Ferns? Awesome, just... awesome. Watch all of them right now. Anyway, can you really hate a man with a beard like that?

Answer: No, you can't.

2. The Anti-Sweater

For awhile I kept a journal in which I detailed and drew many ideas for inventions that would one day make me rich. Probably the best idea I ever had was the Anti-Sweater, the sweater you can wear when it's hot outside. You wore it just like a normal sweater. In fact it was just a normal sweater, but with one amazing addition: Cooling Tubes. Basically a cooler would be filled up with ice water and tubes would run from the cooler and up into the back of the sweater. A pump would be used to pump icy cool water through the tubes and Bam! instant relief from the unrelenting sun. No more skin cancer by walking around with no shirt on, no more cold showers in the afternoon and no more sweating and stinking the place up like a dirty Kiwi.

Disgusting

But wouldn't you know, researchers at the University of Florida have been experimenting with body temperature in football players by sending air cooled by ice water through small channels and tubes in their pads. Holy shit! OK maybe they're using chilled air instead of water and maybe it's football pads instead of a sweater but damnit that is my shit right there. People made fun of my glorious invention at first. I told people I was going to make it anyway. I never made it. Even Tom Smykowski made a damn prototype for his Jump to Conclusions Mat. I'm more of a loser than Smykowski.

The Next Pet Rock

Too much time passed and word must have gotten around. How these fucks in Florida got their hands on my idea I will never know, but I have been missing my journal for 4 years now.

3. Sandwich Shots

I literally had a dream about this idea. In the middle of the night I woke up in a cold sweat (if only I had been wearing an Anti-Sweater) with an amazing idea. I quickly grabbed my inventions journal from my nightstand and began to draw. What I drew was glorious in every way. The Sandwich Shot. This was the next great step in finger foods. It was going to change the way people thought about snacking. Depending on what type of bread and meat you get, a sandwich can be too small and you're still hungry when you're done with it, or too big and you waste half of it. Oftentimes the meat and cheese don't want to stay right where they're supposed to be, between the fucking bread.

Poor Bastard

That's where the Sandwich Shots come in. A miniature sandwich that fits perfectly into a shot glass. You don't have to worry about your sandwich staying in one piece, the glass does that for you. Not enough sandwich? Just keep fucking eating them until you're full. The perfect mid-day meal.

And then who strolls along like some kind of idea stealing dick, the King himself.

BK Burger Shots

The worst part about it is, he's fucking selling it paired up with Twilight merchandise. What a sell-out. I would never allow some sparkly emo vampire be the face of my Sandwich Shots. So maybe putting the sandwiches into a shot glass is unnecessary and probably structurally implausible, but I would have arrived at that conclusion eventually. Burger King ended up just beating me to it. If only I could have proposed this idea sooner, there is no doubt in my mind that I would be sitting atop my own Scrooge McDuck-esque pile of jewels, gold and cash.