1. A Classic Catchphrase
Back in high school I used to often refer to funny occurrences as "classic". And it was hilarious. It was fucking hilarious. I make a small quip about my Russian teacher being communist, "Classic Gordon!", my calculus teacher tries to use trig substitution instead of partial fractions, "Classic Mistake!". God damnit I could get the laughs.
Time goes by and you know what happens? Those Warner Brothers (more like Wiener Brothers, am I right?) come out with a cheap knock off of Dude Where's My Car? called The Hangover.
Cinematic GoldNow my legendary phase has been stolen from me by some fat asshole. Zach Galifianakas uses my comedic genius so classically it's ironic. I can no longer use my own catchphrase without people assuming I'm quoting from an overrated and under-criticized movie. The only good part about Galifianakis stealing my line is that he is one funny mother fucker. Have you ever seen Between Two Ferns? Awesome, just... awesome. Watch all of them right now. Anyway, can you really hate a man with a beard like that?
Answer: No, you can't.
2. The Anti-Sweater
For awhile I kept a journal in which I detailed and drew many ideas for inventions that would one day make me rich. Probably the best idea I ever had was the Anti-Sweater, the sweater you can wear when it's hot outside. You wore it just like a normal sweater. In fact it was just a normal sweater, but with one amazing addition: Cooling Tubes. Basically a cooler would be filled up with ice water and tubes would run from the cooler and up into the back of the sweater. A pump would be used to pump icy cool water through the tubes and Bam! instant relief from the unrelenting sun. No more skin cancer by walking around with no shirt on, no more cold showers in the afternoon and no more sweating and stinking the place up like a dirty Kiwi.
Disgusting
Answer: No, you can't.2. The Anti-Sweater
For awhile I kept a journal in which I detailed and drew many ideas for inventions that would one day make me rich. Probably the best idea I ever had was the Anti-Sweater, the sweater you can wear when it's hot outside. You wore it just like a normal sweater. In fact it was just a normal sweater, but with one amazing addition: Cooling Tubes. Basically a cooler would be filled up with ice water and tubes would run from the cooler and up into the back of the sweater. A pump would be used to pump icy cool water through the tubes and Bam! instant relief from the unrelenting sun. No more skin cancer by walking around with no shirt on, no more cold showers in the afternoon and no more sweating and stinking the place up like a dirty Kiwi.
DisgustingBut wouldn't you know, researchers at the University of Florida have been experimenting with body temperature in football players by sending air cooled by ice water through small channels and tubes in their pads. Holy shit! OK maybe they're using chilled air instead of water and maybe it's football pads instead of a sweater but damnit that is my shit right there. People made fun of my glorious invention at first. I told people I was going to make it anyway. I never made it. Even Tom Smykowski made a damn prototype for his Jump to Conclusions Mat. I'm more of a loser than Smykowski.
The Next Pet Rock
Too much time passed and word must have gotten around. How these fucks in Florida got their hands on my idea I will never know, but I have been missing my journal for 4 years now.
3. Sandwich Shots
I literally had a dream about this idea. In the middle of the night I woke up in a cold sweat (if only I had been wearing an Anti-Sweater) with an amazing idea. I quickly grabbed my inventions journal from my nightstand and began to draw. What I drew was glorious in every way. The Sandwich Shot. This was the next great step in finger foods. It was going to change the way people thought about snacking. Depending on what type of bread and meat you get, a sandwich can be too small and you're still hungry when you're done with it, or too big and you waste half of it. Oftentimes the meat and cheese don't want to stay right where they're supposed to be, between the fucking bread.
Poor Bastard
That's where the Sandwich Shots come in. A miniature sandwich that fits perfectly into a shot glass. You don't have to worry about your sandwich staying in one piece, the glass does that for you. Not enough sandwich? Just keep fucking eating them until you're full. The perfect mid-day meal.
And then who strolls along like some kind of idea stealing dick, the King himself.
BK Burger Shots
The Next Pet Rock
3. Sandwich Shots
I literally had a dream about this idea. In the middle of the night I woke up in a cold sweat (if only I had been wearing an Anti-Sweater) with an amazing idea. I quickly grabbed my inventions journal from my nightstand and began to draw. What I drew was glorious in every way. The Sandwich Shot. This was the next great step in finger foods. It was going to change the way people thought about snacking. Depending on what type of bread and meat you get, a sandwich can be too small and you're still hungry when you're done with it, or too big and you waste half of it. Oftentimes the meat and cheese don't want to stay right where they're supposed to be, between the fucking bread.
Poor BastardThat's where the Sandwich Shots come in. A miniature sandwich that fits perfectly into a shot glass. You don't have to worry about your sandwich staying in one piece, the glass does that for you. Not enough sandwich? Just keep fucking eating them until you're full. The perfect mid-day meal.
And then who strolls along like some kind of idea stealing dick, the King himself.
BK Burger ShotsThe worst part about it is, he's fucking selling it paired up with Twilight merchandise. What a sell-out. I would never allow some sparkly emo vampire be the face of my Sandwich Shots. So maybe putting the sandwiches into a shot glass is unnecessary and probably structurally implausible, but I would have arrived at that conclusion eventually. Burger King ended up just beating me to it. If only I could have proposed this idea sooner, there is no doubt in my mind that I would be sitting atop my own Scrooge McDuck-esque pile of jewels, gold and cash.
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